Romans 7:15 states,
“ For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” This verse has really been speaking to me and working in my heart for the past couple of days and weeks. What immediately jumps out at me is that Paul seems to be confronting a habitual pattern of himself that he desires to change, but instead keeps resorting back to the ways he hates. He starts out by saying how he doesn’t even understand his own actions. Why do I keep doing this? Why haven’t I changed what I see and do not like? What am I doing that I see the wrong in but cannot seem to be able to change, whether it be a simple attitude towards those placed in leadership over me, the way I treat my siblings or even how I carry a smile on my face/the lack thereof? Moving on he says, “I do not do what I want…”. To fully understand this, I had to write out this question: what do I want? This question is still difficult for me to answer, but a few verses help me in my quest to answer it. James 1:14, “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.” My human wants and desired are not the same as God’s desires for me. We can be drug away by our own desires. But to be drug away, we must be being pulled from something. And what is that? With our own desires, we can be dragged away from the good we “want to do.” Galatians 5:26 then reminds of us how our desires can indeed align with Christs, thus empowering us in our effort to do the good Christ has set for us, “ If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.” So the question then still remains: what is it that we really want? Andy Stanly did a series on answering this question. One of his quotes was, “when you discover what you really value, you will be less prone to settle for what you merely want.” Again, I had to take this statement and act on it to really grasp it. So I wrote out a list of what I value, which linked to who I wanted to be. I can look and try and envision myself in 5 years, who do I see? What do I want to see? What love am I showing to others? In my job? How am I honoring those around me? How am I caring for others? Helping build them up? Those questions and several others helped me make a list of some of my core values. By doing that I now have a clearer picture of being and doing what I want to accomplish and who I want to be in my life of faith. In conclusion I want to leave you, Reader, with these questions that I too am still working through with you.
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